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Allowing the Joy

Allowing the Joy

     Blow your nose really well, close your mouth and breath.
Inhale, exhale, in, out...but without order, chaotically, fast, arythmically, always through the nose, the mouth closed, and move – arms, legs, pelvis. But how!
     Breathing in a pattern is not allowed – damn. I'm only accustomed to it like that; that's how I have learnt it. Had to sit up straight, not stand crookedly, not jump around: behave.
I can't breath chaotically. My whole known bodyfeeling goes out of balance.

     Suddenly, out of nowhere, powerful voices, uninvited, demand I revert to my pattern. They were planted in me years ago and have grown powerful over time. And now, a pitiful whisper of, "At least try it!"
     Nothing is functioning as it should. Distraction, insecurity and tension.... That's how it would be in daily life also but we have the trick of conformity: Just do "as if"; pretend. Don't be conspicuous. Nobody notices you if you are hidden and you can get away unharmed.
      Now, did I really come to this seminar to exercise in conformity?

     Pause in the meditation: finished with that exhausting breathing torture!
How...? What feelings? Where should they be? I should let them go, but how do you do that?
Oh god, maybe tears. Where shall I get them from? Squeeze them out? That doesn't work.
      Rage? Rage is seized up in my lower jaw, deep down, converted into concrete. Impossible: I can't even say "Shit!" at the moment!
It's a torturous process if you want to go into it but can't.

     Now, finally, the "Hoo...Hoo...Hoo" exhaling and jumping.
Now, for the first time, I feel I can do the meditation. It's exhausting but I want to do it; I don't know why. It carries me away.... But now, I have to stop.

      What is this? – so enjoyable, so sensuous and exciting? That's not allowed; I shouldn't. Very dangerous!
It wakes up feelings and, with them, fear. Stop it instantly!

     Last phase: dancing to quiet and relaxing music. I love it.
Now love myself. I stroke my cheeks and whisper to my frightened little inner child, claim it and tell it that I am only experimenting a bit; nothing to worry about, I will always protect it.
Now the tears are coming...the tears I so urgently needed before.

Conny, Germany
[Translated from the German]

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