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Losing My Emotional Luggage
Losing My Emotional Luggage

     I am very energetic or hyper, as they call it, and I sit at my desk all day long, where my energy is building up and stress only adds more – negative– energy to the situation.
     As I was going through the [meditation] weekend in September, I was getting many things out of my system, but I ended up with this clog in my throat that just would not go away. Deep down I knew that I had something huge inside of me that had to burst out. In that respect when the leader gave instructions for Dynamic I was ready to give everything I had.
     Perhaps what helped was her telling us that when it came to breathing or jumping up and down we would hear the little voice (the mind) telling that we could not take one more breath or that we could not keep our hands up for another second. I was very aware of that voice and, as it became more challenging, I pushed my self even harder.
     I have to say that it was all worth the extra effort because in the second stage I threw up all my emotional luggage that I have been carrying around for 26 years...which no therapy or passive meditation had been able to get out. I felt light, liberated, peaceful, and found this space deep inside that I always knew existed but which I had not been able to reach before. As the leader said, so much of me peeled away, or should I say so much of what I thought was me.

     It has to be emphasized when the instructions are given to people that unless the first stage is done to the fullest capacity, (as the leader said in class, "breathe as if your life depended on it") then the rest doesn't work.
     I cried and kicked on the floor, accepting that I was sad about, and hurt, because of my past. However, the second time I did Dynamic it was much different. I was angry, frustrated, and screamed and cursed.
     When it was all over I felt a bit disappointed; I thought that I did not get as much out of it because I did not cry my eyes out. But than I thought of what the meditation leader said to me during the weekend when [in another meditation] we were playing out different emotions. I remember I was comfortable in sadness but not in anger. Yet, as she pointed out, they are the same, but I was conditioned to think that it was okay for a woman to be sad but not angry.
     My first Dynamic was very empowering; it freed me from many layers of conditioning. Therefore my second was different, yet as intense, because for the first time I accepted my anger and was so empowered by the fact that I could express everything in a non-harmful way.
     I could write all day about small pieces of the puzzle that are still falling into place for me each and every day.

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